Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
