Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize