Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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