Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sext me about skeletons
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
