so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is this like a preordered booty call?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
