i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
