im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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