its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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