she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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