I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
