I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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