I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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