Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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