I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
