so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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