We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize