This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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