So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Randomize
