Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
