checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
