she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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