Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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