All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
