I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
