I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
