At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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