Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
