I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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