even my farts smell like vagina
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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