i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
