dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
