I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
