just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
