: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My legs feel like baby dolphins
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
