i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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