When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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