please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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