there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
