I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I want to fling myself into the sun
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
