Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
