I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
