when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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