one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
