I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
How does one acquire holy water?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
