I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
