mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
