so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
