So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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