I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
