K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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