So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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