my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
