i would punch a child for taco bell
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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