also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
