my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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