it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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