I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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