I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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